Experts Say Listening Matters More Than Finding the Right Words When Someone Cries

People often struggle to respond when someone breaks down in tears, but communication and healthcare experts say the most meaningful support usually comes from quiet presence and attentive listening rather than trying to offer immediate solutions.

Researchers who study supportive communication say many people instinctively try to stop someone from crying because emotional situations can feel uncomfortable. While the intention is often compassionate, experts warn that rushing to reassure, solve the problem or offer advice may unintentionally make the person feel misunderstood.

Susanne Jones, a researcher at the University of Minnesota, said her own experience after the death of her father shaped her interest in studying how people respond to grief. She recalled that when she told a customer at the restaurant where she worked that her father had died the previous night, the man appeared overwhelmed, turned away and simply said he hoped things would get better.

Years later, Jones believes the reaction reflected discomfort rather than a lack of compassion. She says many people are unsure how to respond when confronted with another person’s pain.

Amanda Holmstrom, a professor of communication at Michigan State University, said people often feel pressure to say the perfect thing or make someone feel better immediately. She explained that individuals who are deeply emotional are often not in a position to absorb comforting words, making quiet support more valuable than lengthy conversations.

Healthcare professionals who work with seriously ill patients have reached similar conclusions. Betty Ferrell, director of nursing research and education at City of Hope, said caregivers are often advised not to hand someone tissues too quickly because it may unintentionally suggest they should stop crying. Instead, she recommends remaining nearby, offering calm reassurance through presence and, when appropriate, a gentle touch on the shoulder or arm.

Experts also advise waiting until emotions begin to settle before asking questions. Rather than asking, “Are you okay?” they suggest acknowledging the situation with simple statements such as expressing sympathy or recognizing that the person has received difficult news. Open-ended conversations can then allow individuals to share their experiences at their own pace.

Researchers say telling the story behind a painful event can help people process difficult emotions by creating some emotional distance from the experience. Listening without interrupting or immediately offering advice can support that process.

The same principles may apply when encountering strangers who appear distressed in public. Experts recommend considering the situation carefully and, if appropriate, offering simple assistance or asking whether the person needs help without placing pressure on them to respond.

They also caution against common phrases such as “don’t cry,” “everything will be okay,” or attempts to highlight a positive side of a painful situation. While well-intentioned, such comments may minimize the person’s feelings. Instead, specialists say empathy, patience and attentive listening remain the most effective ways to support someone experiencing emotional distress.