The term “gaslighting” has become widely used in recent years to describe situations where someone manipulates another person into doubting their memory, perception, or sanity. While often applied to interpersonal conflicts or online arguments, mental health experts are highlighting a less discussed but pervasive form: self-gaslighting.
“Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into questioning your own reality, and self-gaslighting is when you do the same thing to yourself,” said Lauren Auer, a therapist based in Peoria, Illinois. Unlike negative self-talk, self-gaslighting involves dismissing or distorting one’s own experiences, often before anyone else has a chance to invalidate them.
Self-gaslighting can appear in subtle ways. After an argument with a partner, someone might think, “I’m overreacting” or “I’m too sensitive,” even if their feelings are justified. Setting personal boundaries can also trigger self-gaslighting, with thoughts like “I shouldn’t need space” or excusing hurtful behavior from others with lines such as “They’re just stressed.”
Ashley Pena, a licensed clinical social worker, explained that this pattern of self-invalidation often leads people to minimize their own experiences, feelings, or needs. Experts distinguish self-gaslighting from self-reflection, which involves acknowledging emotions and seeking constructive understanding. For example, if a friend cancels plans repeatedly, self-reflection might lead to asking, “Is this a healthy friendship?” Self-gaslighting, by contrast, could produce thoughts like, “I’m just being needy; other people wouldn’t care this much.”
Psychologists say self-gaslighting is usually unintentional and often rooted in past experiences. Jill Vance, a clinical psychologist in Chicago, said it can develop when someone grows up in an environment where their emotions were dismissed or punished, or when prioritizing harmony over honesty was expected. She noted it is especially common among those recovering from manipulative or abusive relationships.
The effects of self-gaslighting can be serious, leading to diminished self-confidence, indecisiveness, and difficulty asserting personal needs. Over time, it can affect relationships and interfere with a person’s sense of identity and well-being.
Therapists offer strategies to counter self-gaslighting. The first step is recognizing it, by pausing to identify and name feelings as they arise. Auer advises practicing self-validation without justification, acknowledging that one’s emotions are real and legitimate. Keeping a log of moments when intuition proved correct or setting small boundaries can also reinforce self-trust. Pena and Vance emphasized the importance of practicing saying “no” or “not now” to gradually build confidence and resilience.
With consistent effort and professional support, people can rewire their thought patterns, regain trust in their perceptions, and reduce the tendency to self-gaslight. Pena said that over time, clients often notice a shift in how they talk to themselves and learn to rely on their own emotions as a reliable guide.
Experts warn that recognizing self-gaslighting is crucial to mental health, as it can undermine confidence, relationships, and decision-making if left unaddressed.
