While many people send dozens of text messages each week, experts say most do little to deepen friendships or improve emotional connection. A simple, intentional message to a friend could be more powerful than routine updates or logistical texts, researchers suggest.
“We’re constantly receiving and exchanging information, and communicating in some way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the quality of that connection is there—or that the intention is there,” says Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist in Montreal who studies adult friendships. She notes that many messages are transactional, such as arranging a play date or coordinating meals, rather than fostering meaningful bonds. “When you ask someone if they’ve purposefully and intentionally and thoughtfully reached out to a friend through text, they often say, ‘Hold on, no, I haven’t.’”
Experts encourage reaching out to at least one friend a week, describing it as a manageable way to improve social well-being. Small moments of connection, like a thoughtful message, can reduce loneliness and strengthen relationships. Kirmayer says such “micro-moments” are linked to improved mental and physical health, including lower risks of anxiety and depression.
The practice also helps develop social skills, she adds. Reaching out teaches people to initiate contact, maintain communication over time, manage conflict, and express vulnerability. “Every time you text a friend, you’re refining the complex art of being a good friend,” Kirmayer says.
Many people hesitate to send messages because they feel they must be perfect or deeply engaging. Kirmayer advises letting go of that pressure. “The thing that typically stops us from sending the message is that we get caught up in that perfectionist mindset,” she says. Instead, messages should be personal and authentic. For example, instead of simply saying “Hi, I’m thinking of you,” a person could reference a shared memory or interest: “I was just thinking about that coffee we had a couple of months ago, and I wanted to let you know I’m grateful for you.”
Being clear about the purpose of the message can also improve connection. People might ask to meet for lunch, schedule a phone call, or check in on a project or life event. Kirmayer says, “When you get clear on not just your who, but your why, that can potentially inform the message.”
Once the habit is established, reaching out can be expanded to different friends or groups, allowing people to build broader social networks and deepen multiple connections. Kirmayer emphasizes the importance of being honest with oneself about what each friendship needs. “It’s really a matter of checking in with yourself and being open and honest about what your connection needs and intentions are, and what area of your social fitness you’d like to work on,” she says.
Experts say that a small weekly effort can create a meaningful boost in social engagement, helping people maintain stronger, more resilient friendships over time.
