When someone you trust lies to you, it’s natural to feel betrayed and angry. But according to psychologists, how you respond can make all the difference in whether the relationship survives—or falls apart entirely.
“When people discover they’ve been lied to, they often feel foolish and begin to question how they missed the signs,” says Dr. Christian L. Hart, a psychology professor at Texas Woman’s University and director of the Human Deception Laboratory. Yet, Hart cautions that launching into a heated confrontation is rarely productive. “We’re more likely to get people to confess when they feel safe, not when they feel cornered,” he explains.
Experts advise that, instead of accusing someone outright, it’s more effective to open the conversation gently and with curiosity. Pamela Meyer, a certified fraud examiner and author of Liespotting: Proven Techniques to Detect Deception, recommends beginning the discussion with a simple phrase such as, “I need to bring up something that’s been bothering me.” Starting with calm and open-ended language creates space for a more honest and constructive dialogue.
Meyer suggests the “funnel approach” when probing the situation—begin with broad questions and gradually narrow them. For example, instead of asking, “Did you lie about where you were?” try: “I’m a little confused—can you tell me again what happened on Saturday night?” This phrasing lowers the emotional stakes and encourages the other person to clarify rather than defend.
Phrases like “Help me understand what’s going on here” or “I don’t think I fully understand the truth yet” are also recommended. These statements signal doubt without outright accusation, creating an opening for the other person to tell the truth. “Sometimes people double down, but often they realize honesty is the better path,” says Hart.
In cases where the lie was meant to protect feelings—something research shows women in particular may do to preserve harmony—experts suggest using empathetic assertion. Dr. Kevin Colwell, a deception researcher at Southern Connecticut State University, offers this example: “You’re really kind to say that, but we both know it’s not true.” Such responses acknowledge the intention behind the lie while gently steering the conversation toward honesty.
When dealing with younger people, Colwell advises waiting until they’re in a safe and calm environment before addressing the falsehood. “Say something like, ‘That thing you said earlier—maybe that was a bit impulsive,’” he says.
Ultimately, experts agree that if the goal is to preserve the relationship, maintaining empathy, curiosity, and emotional control is far more effective than anger or accusation.
