Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but experts say the way couples argue can make all the difference in maintaining a strong and healthy bond. According to Krystal Mazzola Wood, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Phoenix, learning how to communicate effectively during disagreements is crucial.
“Most of us don’t naturally have the skills to communicate well when we’re feeling overwhelmed or unheard,” Mazzola Wood explains. “We go into fight-or-flight mode, which makes it harder to resolve conflicts in a healthy way.”
To help couples navigate disagreements more effectively, relationship therapists suggest using specific phrases that can defuse tension and promote understanding.
1. “You’re right about ___.”
One of the biggest obstacles in an argument is the desire to be “right.” Mazzola Wood notes that couples often focus on proving their point rather than listening to each other. Acknowledging a valid point made by a partner can help reduce defensiveness and shift the conversation toward resolution.
2. “I’m sorry for ___.”
A sincere apology—without excuses or justifications—can quickly soften an argument. “Apologizing for your role in the conflict doesn’t mean taking all the blame, but it does show that you value the relationship more than winning the fight,” Mazzola Wood says. Avoid phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which can come across as dismissive.
3. “I hear you saying ___. Did I understand that right?”
According to Molly Burrets, a couples therapist and professor at the University of Southern California, restating a partner’s point of view can help prevent miscommunication. “It shows you’re actively listening and seeking to understand rather than just waiting for your turn to speak,” she says.
4. “What I need is ___.”
Being direct about expectations can reduce frustration. Mazzola Wood notes that many partners assume their significant other should instinctively know what they need. Instead of expecting mind-reading, clear communication—such as stating a need for help with household chores—leads to better cooperation.
5. “It’s not me against you—it’s us against this problem.”
Framing conflicts as shared challenges rather than personal battles helps couples work as a team, says Houston-based psychotherapist Steven Sizemore. Using “we” language fosters collaboration and mutual support rather than blame.
6. “I think we should take a break and come back in 10 minutes.”
Taking a short break during an argument can prevent emotional escalation. Mazzola Wood warns against leaving for hours or pushing to resolve the issue immediately. Instead, setting a time to revisit the conversation ensures both partners can self-soothe before continuing the discussion.
7. “Thank you for listening.”
Acknowledging a partner’s effort to engage in a difficult conversation can reinforce positive communication patterns. Research suggests that happy couples balance negative interactions with at least five positive ones, making small affirmations like this valuable.
8. “Getting back on track with you is my priority.”
Long-term relationships require ongoing negotiation, says Mazzola Wood. Letting a partner know that the relationship takes precedence over the disagreement itself can help both individuals feel secure and understood.
By incorporating these phrases into difficult conversations, couples can navigate disagreements more constructively, fostering a stronger and more resilient relationship.
