When a person has a breakdown, it’s difficult for others to know what to say, but it’s often a quiet presence and attentive listening that is the most helpful, according to experts in communication and health care.
People who witness someone crying tend to naturally want to stop them, simply because it can be an uncomfortable situation, according to researchers studying supportive communication. Well-meaning as that may be, experts caution that responses that tend to rush to reassure, solve the issue and/or give advice can actually end up making the person feel misunderstood.
Susanne Jones, a researcher at the University of Minnesota, stated that her interest in studying how individuals react to loss was sparked by her own experience after her father passed away. She remembered when she went to work at the restaurant the next day and told a customer her father had died the night before, the man was taken aback, turned away and said, “I hope it gets better.”
Years later, Jones thinks that the response was less a lack of compassion and more discomfort. Many are at a loss about what to say if they witness another person’s pain, she says.
Michigan State University communication professor Amanda Holmstrom said that many people feel compelled to say the right thing or feel better right away. She said people with strong emotions are not likely to be able to take in words of comfort and encouragement, and that quiet support is more important than long conversations.
The healthcare workers who work with seriously ill patients have come to the same conclusions. That caretakers should not give the person tissues too soon because it can imply that they should stop crying, Betty Ferrell said, director of nursing research and education at City of Hope. Instead she advises staying close, providing calming reassurance by being present and, if appropriate, giving a gentle touch to the shoulder or arm.
The experts also suggest the questions should be asked after emotions have subsided. They recommend against asking, “Are you okay?,” and instead make the simple statement of expressing sympathy or communicating that the person has just received bad news. Open-ended conversations can then be used to enable people to tell their stories at their own speed.
Storytelling is a way to distance oneself from difficult experiences, as sharing the story can help to process the painful emotions, according to researchers. Not interrupting or immediately giving advice can be helpful in that process.
This may be the case with strangers who look like they are in trouble in public. It is advised to think about this and, if you feel it’s suitable, to try to either give them something simple to do or ask if they would like help with it, but not force them to give an answer.
They also warn about phrases like “don’t cry” or “everything will be alright” or trying to point out a positive aspect of a negative circumstance. Such comments well-meaning as they are, can trivialize the person’s feelings. Rather, experts advise that empathy, patience and listening are the best means of assisting a sufferer of emotional distress.