Anastasia Ryan has spent much of her life hearing the phrase, “You should smile more.” The Lithuanian-born artist and author experienced it acutely in professional settings where most of her interactions were over the phone. “The majority of what I did was over the phone, and I still had my supervisor making gestures that I needed to smile during calls,” she recalls. “Eventually, I was told that my facial expressions weren’t appropriate in the office.”
After being let go, Ryan turned her frustration into a novel, You Should Smile More, a workplace revenge story about a telemarketer fired for her neutral expression. Through her protagonist, she explored the subtle pressures women face in professional environments. “It is absolutely infuriating because it’s being singled out for your appearance in a way that’s not equal across gender standards,” Ryan says. “It’s frustrating because we’re so much more than that.”
Experts say this kind of comment is rooted in long-standing social and gender norms. Marianne LaFrance, emerita professor of psychology and women’s, gender, and sexuality studies at Yale University, explains that telling women to smile has been normalized. “Men feel it’s OK, if not required, to tell women to smile,” she says. “The gender status quo is that women should smile more.” In certain industries, such as healthcare or service work, employees are expected to constantly display femininity, with smiling being a primary tool.
Minda Harts, assistant professor at NYU’s Wagner Graduate School of Public Service, adds that these remarks often reflect the comfort of others rather than genuine concern. “It’s less about me, and more about your comfort, because you want to see me smile,” she says. Over time, these comments can erode confidence and trust, Harts notes, leaving people questioning their natural expressions.
Responding to such directives can be challenging. LaFrance recommends nonverbal strategies such as a brief or fake smile, which allows individuals to maintain control while ending the interaction. In some cases, light verbal acknowledgment without commitment can deflect comments from family or well-meaning colleagues. Tatiana Teppoeva, CEO of One Nonverbal Ecosystem, suggests responses like, “Thank you for caring,” or calmly redirecting in professional settings, such as, “Let’s stay on topic,” when a colleague interrupts a meeting to comment on appearance.
Humor or direct framing are other options. Harts offers responses like, “Smiling costs extra,” or “I’m comfortable with how I’m showing up right now.” Ryan herself sometimes asked, “Would you say that to a man?” or reminded the person that feedback on appearance was neither their role nor their prerogative.
Experts emphasize that the key is reclaiming control over one’s body and expression. “You don’t need a perfect response,” Harts says. “You just need one that protects your dignity and makes you feel safe. You can be professional without providing joy on demand for somebody else.”
This ongoing pressure highlights the subtle, gendered expectations that remain in workplaces and public spaces, showing that something as simple as a smile can carry complex social and professional weight.