In the complex world of family dynamics, setting boundaries with parents remains one of the most challenging but necessary steps toward maintaining healthy adult relationships, experts say.
According to Henna Pryor, author of Good Awkward: How to Embrace the Embarrassing and Celebrate the Cringe to Become The Bravest You, people often worry that establishing boundaries will damage long-standing emotional ties. “But actually, you’re upgrading the relationship for your adult life,” she explains.
Clear communication around personal needs and limits not only fosters mutual understanding but also reduces resentment. It serves as an opportunity to model respectful interaction and update old, outdated dynamics.
One common issue, experts say, is unsolicited advice. While parents often offer it out of love, Pryor recommends gently redirecting the conversation. “Say something like, ‘I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate that. Right now, I just need someone to listen.’” This approach acknowledges their intention while setting clear expectations.
Another frequent challenge is dealing with last-minute plans or guilt over not spending enough time together. Pryor suggests combining emotional affirmation with logistical solutions: “I miss you too—let’s plan something that works for both of us.” This keeps the relationship strong without sacrificing personal balance.
Phone calls during busy times also require boundaries. Suggesting a better time, such as, “Can we talk after dinner so I can be fully present?” helps maintain connection without disruption. “Boundaries are created in repetition, not one-offs,” Pryor says.
When topics like politics or past grievances threaten to stir conflict, Caroline Fenkel, Chief Clinical Officer at Charlie Health, advises setting limits early and clearly. “It’s not about avoidance—it’s preservation,” she says. A statement like, “Let’s focus on the time we have together,” can defuse tension and refocus conversation.
For situations where a parent relies heavily on emotional support, especially inappropriately, Fenkel recommends responses like, “That sounds really hard—have you talked to your therapist?” This reinforces your role as their child, not their counselor.
Experts also encourage affirming your autonomy when facing criticism or pressure. Saying, “I’ve made peace with my decision…I need you to respect that it works for me,” signals confidence without confrontation.
Elika Dadsetan, executive director of VISIONS, notes that boundary-setting is an act of trust. “You’re trusting the relationship can evolve and improve,” she says. “You’re showing up differently—and asking your parents to do the same.”
Ultimately, while these conversations may feel uncomfortable, they lay the groundwork for deeper respect, healthier communication, and a stronger bond moving forward.