Everyone makes social mistakes, from forgetting someone’s name to making an awkward assumption or sending a private message to the wrong person. Etiquette experts and psychologists say the best way to recover is often to apologise briefly, accept responsibility and avoid making the situation more uncomfortable.
Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, recalled once being greeted at a party by an acquaintance who incorrectly guessed that she had given birth, become engaged or gotten married. After three wrong guesses, Post eventually escaped to the bar.
The incident illustrates how quickly an awkward exchange can become worse when someone keeps talking instead of recognising the mistake.
Social psychologist Karina Schumann, an associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh, said people often respond to embarrassment by explaining or defending themselves. That reaction is usually aimed at protecting their own image rather than addressing how their comment affected someone else.
A better response, she said, is to pause, recognise the impact and apologise directly.
Simple phrases such as “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed” or “I can see that my joke was insensitive” can be enough for a minor incident.
The seriousness of the apology should match the mistake. Forgetting someone’s name might require only a quick request for a reminder, while asking someone whether they are pregnant when they are not can require a more direct acknowledgment.
Psychologists also warn that people who cause offence often underestimate how seriously the other person experienced it. This can create a gap between the apology offered and the repair actually needed.
An apology should not become a long explanation about personal intentions. Jennifer Thomas, a psychologist and co-author of The 5 Apology Languages, warns that phrases such as “I was only joking” or “I didn’t mean it that way” can sound defensive and shift responsibility back to the person who was hurt.
An explanation can sometimes help, but it should come after taking responsibility.
Repeated apologies can also make matters worse. Post said one sincere apology is usually enough for a minor mistake. Continuing to apologise can make the situation increasingly about the person who caused the offence.
More serious incidents may require a longer discussion, an attempt to repair the harm or simply time. The person who was hurt should decide when they are ready to move on.
Even delayed recognition of a mistake can be addressed. A person might say they have thought about what they said and now realise it was hurtful, followed by a sincere apology.
When meeting the person again, experts recommend behaving normally if the other person appears ready to move forward. Avoiding them can make the incident seem bigger, while repeatedly bringing it up can prolong the embarrassment.
Most social mistakes do not require endless guilt. A sincere apology, appropriate action and respect for the other person’s response can usually help everyone move on.